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I went to a boarding school and over the years I have worked with numerous clients that did the same – there seems to be a common theme emerging.
Boarding schools have long been romanticised as institutions that offer exceptional education, discipline, and character development. The promise of structured growth, lifelong friendships, and academic excellence can be appealing to both parents and students alike. However, beneath the allure, there’s a growing conversation about the emotional toll that boarding school life can take on individuals, and the long-term effects this can have on our emotional well-being, Emotional Intelligence (EI) and Emotional Resilience (ER).
Many students of boarding schools carry experiences that may seem positive on the surface but, in reality, have left them with deep emotional scars. These experiences can contribute to feelings of emotional disconnection, hollow relationships, unfulfillment, and even regret later in life. Here’s why:
- Emotional Disconnection Begins Early
Boarding schools, by design, separate children from their families at a young age. This sudden separation can lead to feelings of abandonment and isolation. Young children, who are still learning to process their emotions, are thrust into an environment where self-reliance is paramount. By shutting down feelings, we were told “this’ll make a man of you” but instead we become ill-equipped to cope with life and disconnected from our relationships and experiences – we are ‘numb’.
Without the daily comfort and emotional support of their parents, many children learn to suppress their emotions. The “stiff upper lip” culture often promoted in these schools encourages students to handle difficulties without complaint, inadvertently leading them to shut down their feelings. Over time, this becomes a habit – a survival mechanism to cope with the loneliness or homesickness. Unfortunately, this emotional distancing doesn’t magically disappear after graduation. The inability to access and express emotions can become ingrained, leading to emotional disconnection in adulthood.
- The Mask of Independence
Boarding schools foster a sense of independence, but often at the cost of emotional development. Within some of these institutions, students are taught to navigate their world alone, learning to rely on themselves instead of others. While self-reliance is important, an overemphasis on it can lead to a distorted view of relationships.
In many cases, alumni struggle to form deep, intimate connections in adulthood. They’ve learned that showing vulnerability is a weakness, so they keep others at arm’s length. Over time, this emotional distance can foster unfulfillment and separation, as they crave connection but don’t know how to break down the walls they’ve built around themselves. They are unable to create intimacy through vulnerability – connection.
- The Fear of Unlovability
Boarding school students are often driven by high expectations, competition, and achievement. This can create a deep fear of failure and, by extension, a fear of being unlovable. Children who are sent away may also internalise a belief that they weren’t enough to keep their parents close. This belief can simmer beneath the surface, manifesting in a subconscious fear of being unworthy of love.
Later in life, these individuals may sabotage relationships, distance themselves emotionally, or settle for surface-level interactions. This sense of unlovability can lead to a deep loneliness, even when surrounded by friends or a partner. The childhood experience of conditional love – based on academic performance, achievement or adherence to rules – can warp their perception of how relationships work.
- Unresolved Feelings of Loss and Regret
One of the most damaging long-term effects of boarding school is the subtle, yet persistent, feeling of regret. Children miss out on a traditional family life, which can lead to a lingering sense of having missed something essential. The daily interactions with parents, siblings, and the comfort of home life are lost in the regimented and institutional world of boarding school.
As adults, many former boarders find themselves looking back and feeling a deep sense of loss, not just for the family time that was missed, but for the emotional experiences they were never taught to navigate (emotional resilience). This regret can bleed into other areas of life – relationships, career choices, and personal growth. Individuals may find themselves questioning their past, feeling unfulfilled, and wondering if the path they were set on by boarding school was ever truly theirs (control/choice).
- Healing and Reconnection: A Path Forward
The effects of emotional disconnection, unfulfillment, and regret from boarding school experiences are not irreversible. Working at a subconscious level, we are able to release and transform these deep-rooted beliefs and associated feelings.
Rebuilding emotional connections can be challenging, especially for those who have spent years living behind a mask of self-reliance and disconnection. However, learning to embrace vulnerability and trusting others again is essential to experiencing deep, meaningful relationships. It requires unlearning the belief that emotions are a weakness and understanding that they are, in fact, a source of strength and connection.
Additionally, reconnecting with oneself—learning to feel and express emotions—can lead to a deeper sense of fulfilment. When we allow ourselves to feel fully, to open ‘the heart’ we also allow ourselves to live fully. It’s through this emotional openness that many individuals rediscover a sense of purpose and lovability.
While boarding schools offer academic rigor and a structured environment, the emotional cost can be profound. Disconnection, unfulfillment, and feelings of unlovability are common among alumni who, as children, learned to shut down their feelings as a way to survive the emotional challenges of boarding life. The long-term effects of this emotional suppression and disconnection, can lead to a deep sense of regret and loss in adulthood. However, with awareness and a commitment to healing, it’s possible to reclaim emotional openness and build fulfilling, connected lives.
Only by releasing and transforming the wounds of our past, can we then fully connect, experience and enjoy our lives and everything in it. Remember that if we chose to disconnect or ‘numb-out’ the low-grade feelings, then we can’t experience the high-grade feelings of joy, happiness and love. Reconnect, don’t disconnect!
