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Why We React to What We See, Rather Than What’s Really Going On
As a therapist, one of the most profound lessons I have learned is that the presenting behaviour we witness, is often not the real issue.
Whether it’s anger, criticism, withdrawal, negativity, control, depression, victimhood, anxiety, jealousy, manipulation or even emotional abuse, we often find ourselves reacting to the presenting behaviour rather than understanding what lies beneath it.
This is perfectly understandable. If someone is shouting at us, criticising us, withdrawing from us or making our life difficult, our attention naturally focuses on the behaviour itself. We become reactive. We defend ourselves. We argue. We withdraw. We try to fix the problem.
Yet over many years of working with clients, and through my own personal experiences, I have come to recognise that beneath much of what we call “difficult”, “challenging” or even “abusive” behaviour, sits something far more vulnerable.
Fear.
Not fear as we typically imagine it. Not someone hiding behind a sofa or running from danger. But fear expressed through adult behaviour.
The fear of:
- abandonment
- rejection
- not being enough.
- being unloved.
- losing control.
- shame
- being left behind.
- being seen.
- vunerability
The challenge is that fear rarely presents as fear.
It disguises itself.
A frightened child may cry and seek comfort.
A frightened adult may attack, criticise, withdraw, manipulate, control, become depressed, become negative, become angry or become emotionally unavailable.
The underlying emotional state may be the same, but the expression is entirely different.
When Fear Wears a Mask
Think about someone you know who is highly critical. Perhaps they complain constantly. Perhaps nothing is ever good enough. Perhaps they always focus on what is wrong.
At first glance they appear negative, difficult and draining. Yet if we look deeper, we may discover a person who is terrified of failure, terrified of disappointment or terrified of being hurt.
Likewise, someone who becomes controlling may not be driven by power. They may be driven by fear. Fear that if they let go, everything will fall apart. Fear that they will be abandoned. Fear that they are not safe.
Similarly, the person who appears helpless and overwhelmed may not be lazy or unwilling. They may be frightened of making the wrong decision. Frightened of failing. Frightened of life itself.
This understanding does not excuse unhealthy behaviour.
But it does help us understand it. And understanding creates choice.
The Relationship Trap
One of the biggest mistakes couples make is reacting to the behaviour rather than the fear beneath it.
Imagine a husband who sees his wife becoming critical and negative. He feels attacked. Naturally, he withdraws. The more he withdraws, the more frightened she becomes. The more frightened she becomes, the more critical she becomes.
Neither person is seeing the underlying dynamic. Both are reacting to the behaviour.
Or imagine a wife whose husband becomes withdrawn and emotionally unavailable.
She feels rejected. She pursues him for connection. The more she pursues, the more overwhelmed he feels. The more overwhelmed he feels, the further he withdraws. Again, both are reacting to the behaviour rather than the underlying fear.
This is where so many relationships become stuck. People spend years arguing about the symptoms while never addressing the cause.
The Most Powerful Question
One question has transformed both my therapeutic work and my understanding of relationships.
Instead of asking: “What is wrong with this person?”
Ask:
“What is this person frightened of?”
Immediately, the conversation changes.
The critical person may be frightened of rejection.
The controlling person may be frightened of chaos.
The anxious person may be frightened of uncertainty.
The angry person may be frightened of vulnerability.
The withdrawn person may be frightened of being hurt.
This does not mean we become doormats.
It does not mean we tolerate unacceptable behaviour.
But it does mean we stop taking everything so personally.
We begin to see the wounded human being beneath the defence.
The Challenge for Helpers and Partners
Many caring people fall into another trap. Once they understand the fear, they assume they are responsible for fixing it.
I see this all the time. Particularly with empathetic people. They think: “If I love them enough, understand them enough, support them enough, then I can make them feel safe.”
Unfortunately, that is rarely true. We can support someone. We can love someone. We can understand someone. But we cannot heal wounds they are unwilling to face themselves.
One of the most important lessons I have learned is this:
Understanding another person’s fear does not make us responsible for curing it. That distinction completely changed my life.
Because for many years I confused compassion with responsibility. I believed that if I understood somebody’s pain, I should somehow be able to help them overcome it.
The reality is very different. Sometimes the most compassionate thing we can do is remain present without becoming responsible or enmeshed.
Healthy Boundaries and Compassion Can Coexist
Many people fear that boundaries are unloving.
They are not.
Healthy boundaries are often one of the greatest expressions of love.
You can understand that someone is frightened and still say: “I will not accept being spoken to like that.”
You can understand that someone is overwhelmed and still say: “No.”
You can understand someone’s anxiety and still protect your own wellbeing.
In fact, true compassion requires boundaries.
Without them, we become consumed by another person’s emotional state.
We lose ourselves trying to save them.
Healthy relationships require two people who can remain connected without becoming emotionally fused.
How RTT Helps
In my work as an RTT therapist, we often discover that the presenting issue is not the real issue.
The anxiety is rarely about today. The relationship difficulty is rarely about today’s argument.
The anger is rarely about the current situation.
Instead, we uncover earlier experiences, beliefs and emotional conclusions that were formed during childhood.
Many of these beliefs were created before the age of eight.
Beliefs such as:
“I am not lovable.”
“I am not enough.”
“I am unsafe.”
“I will be abandoned.”
“I have to please others.”
“I must be perfect.”
Once these beliefs become established, they begin to shape perception.
Perception then shapes experience.
Experience reinforces the original belief.
The cycle continues until the underlying belief is identified and transformed.
That is why real change requires more than managing behaviour.
It requires understanding what sits beneath it.
Final Thoughts
Today, when I encounter difficult behaviour, I try to remember something very simple:
Fear rarely announces itself. It hides. It disguises itself. It wears a mask.
The person who appears angry may be frightened.
The person who appears controlling may be frightened.
The person who appears critical may be frightened.
The person who appears withdrawn may be frightened.
And sometimes, if we are honest, the person who appears calm and capable may be frightened too.
The goal is not to excuse unhealthy behaviour.
The goal is to see it more clearly.
Because when we stop reacting to the behaviour and start understanding the fear beneath it, something remarkable happens.
We become less reactive. More compassionate. More boundaried. And ultimately, more free.
Perhaps one of the greatest lessons in life is learning to understand another person’s fear without making ourselves responsible for carrying it.
Sending you love, light and the freedom to set yourself free 🙂
Dorian
For more information, you can book a free no-obligation chat here.
www.inspired-minds.com
