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Trauma (and resultant unprocessed feelings) is a deeply personal and often painful experience that leaves lasting scars on our psyche. While some people bravely confront their trauma and work towards healing, many choose a different path – they bury it. They push it down, cover it up, and pretend it never happened. But no matter how deep we try to bury the pain, the legacy of the past has a way of catching up with us, subtly and sometimes overtly shaping the lives we live today and the futures we create.
Why Do We Bury Our Trauma?
- The Instinct for Survival
When we experience trauma, whether it’s from childhood neglect, abuse, or other emotional wounds, our first instinct is survival. In moments of crisis, our minds and bodies go into self-preservation mode. This often involves pushing painful memories out of conscious awareness so we can function in the here and now. It’s not necessarily a conscious choice but rather an adaptive response. Burying trauma feels like the only way to keep moving forward in a world that doesn’t always give us the space to process and heal.
- Fear of Re-living the Pain
Confronting trauma can feel like tearing open an old wound – re-traumatising us. Many people are afraid that if they face their past head-on, they will be forced to relive the pain, and that’s a terrifying thought. It’s easier, in the short term, to keep it hidden and numb out. Burying the trauma can give a false sense of control – a belief that, if we ignore it, it will stay buried and lose its power over us. But this is rarely the case.
- Shame and Stigma
There’s an unfortunate social stigma around trauma, particularly when it involves issues like abuse, neglect, or addiction. Many people feel deep shame about their traumatic pasts, even though they were often powerless victims in those situations. This shame silences them, convincing them that sharing their story or seeking help will lead to judgment or rejection. So, they choose to bury it, believing that doing so will protect them from further harm.
- The Illusion of Strength
In many cultures, there’s a belief that to be strong, you must appear unbothered, resilient, and stoic. People bury their trauma because they want to appear “strong” and fear being seen as weak or broken. But this kind of strength is an illusion – it’s more like emotional armour that, over time, becomes heavy and suffocating. True strength comes from vulnerability and the courage to face what haunts us.
The Legacy of Trauma: Why It Always Catches Up
While burying trauma may seem like a solution, it’s a temporary one. Trauma doesn’t just disappear because we stop thinking about it. Instead, it festers in our subconscious, quietly influencing our thoughts, behaviours, relationships and experience. Here’s why the past inevitably catches up with us:
- Unresolved Trauma Lives in Our Bodies
Research has shown that trauma isn’t just a mental or emotional experience; it lives in our bodies. The physiological responses to trauma – such as anxiety, hypervigilance, or even physical pain – often persist long after the traumatic event has passed. If left unaddressed, these symptoms can manifest as chronic health issues, fatigue, or a constant state of stress. By burying the trauma, we’re merely delaying the body’s need to release and heal it.
- It Shapes Our Beliefs and Behaviours
Unhealed trauma often shapes the way we see the world, ourselves, and others. If someone has experienced betrayal or abandonment, for example, they might carry those wounds into future relationships, expecting the same outcome. These deeply rooted beliefs can lead to self-sabotage, difficulty trusting others, or patterns of toxic relationships. Without addressing the root cause, we unknowingly repeat the same cycles that reflect the unresolved pain of the past.
- Triggers Emerge When We Least Expect Them
You can bury the trauma, but you can’t predict when life will trigger it. Seemingly small events – a phrase someone says, a particular smell, or a situation – can trigger intense emotional reactions tied to past trauma. These triggers bring the buried pain to the surface, often when we’re least prepared to deal with it. The more we suppress, the more volatile these triggers can become, leading to anxiety, panic attacks, or depression.
- It Affects Our Ability to Connect and Thrive
One of the most profound ways trauma impacts us is in our relationships. When we carry unresolved pain, it can create walls between us and the people we care about. We may struggle to form deep connections, push people away, or cling too tightly out of fear of losing them. Additionally, buried trauma can sap our confidence, making us hesitant to pursue opportunities or dreams. It limits our ability to fully engage with life because we’re still being weighed down by the past.
Transforming Trauma: The Power of Healing
The truth is, burying trauma doesn’t make us stronger – it only prolongs our suffering. The past, if left unhealed, will always define our present and future, shaping our lives in ways we may not even realise. But this doesn’t have to be the case. While the process of confronting and transforming trauma is sometimes tricky, it’s also deeply liberating.
Healing allows us to break free from the chains of our past, to rewrite the narratives that have held us back, and to step into a future that isn’t dictated by old wounds. It requires courage, vulnerability, and often the support of others, but it’s through this process that we reclaim our power.
In the end, we cannot change the past, but we can change how it defines present and future lives and ability to love. By facing our past trauma and transforming it, we take control of our story, allowing us to live fuller, more authentic lives. When we are nolonger defined by our past, our story, our parents or our past relationships, we become free and unburdened. And that’s the true legacy we deserve – happiness really is our greatest revenge!
When people bury their trauma, they believe they are protecting themselves, but in reality, they are only delaying the inevitable. The pain of the past always finds a way to surface, subtly or dramatically, affecting our current experience and shaping our future. Only by transforming that trauma can we break free from its grip and create the lives we truly want to live.
